In The End Of Everything

hollow heart-breaks.

shallow demise?

is that a cold heart inside those eyes?

cold hearted and lonely, that's my fate.

it's only gonna take one more teardrop until I break.

until I shake, the walls of my life are fake.

until I quake, how much more can I take?

I'm the modern Edgar Allen Poe, that came from out of his grave 

dark and turmoilly twisted inside

every single day it seems harder to grow, the bitterness is harder to taste 

every single day is another reason to hide

who am I to justify? all the evil in our eyes

I myself feel the high, of all that I despise

living a life, that's my downfall and demise

feeling stress levels frequently and progressively rise

do I need somebody to make me feel whole?

can I do this on my own?

I don't know how to stand on my own 2 feet

I don't know how to handle anything.
I don't know how to be alone.
.... I don't know how to be alone....
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every night I fall asleep
I close my eyes and as I dream, I fall, I fall.
there's nobody to catch me now
and I realize as I hit the ground, it's my fault, it's my fault
I could be surrounded by the world but still I feel like everything's my fault, my fault
and in the end of everything, I'm still alone in my world, in my world.
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whether your a lover or one of my friends
I have feelings that are undercover and I have to pretend
I have to pretend that I feel happy and then
I bend, and break, and fill the syringe
I'm going on a binge, so thin, marks all over my skin
lets see how long this youth can ride, premeditated suicide
this false self medicated existence only means use and die
go out and reep what you sew, whatever you can find
all my vices consist of chemicals and women that I can use to hide
up and down, I spin around and twist and move the pipe
I rob and steal, don't wanna feel, don't wanna utilize
don't wanna be productive, just sit in my room and cry
use shrooms and fry, I'm like a popped ballon that flyed.
drugs or alcohol? sex? anything? you decide?
I spent so much time living in this lie but now the truth defines
my selfishness is on the rise, pain is bonafide.
it's live or die and I don't wanna represent each side.

As I Bow My Head

as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head
I ask God if I'll make it hoping he'll reply, as I bow my head
I ask God will I live a full lifetime, as I bow my head
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
people say they we're born for a purpose
lord knows I ain't perfect
I start sweating, I get nervous
when the temptation emerges
sometimes I feel trapped in a cycle of hell
and as the wounds heal I wonder if I can prevail
the scars that have been left I know the Vicodin helps
but I spend every waking moment fightin myself
with the pain that I have conquered and still face today
I still got shackles on my ankles and that belt around my waist
is this my destiny? or am I meant to be replaced?
if that's the case just take me now, there's no more time to waste.
roaming through the streets of Denton
fighting paranoia and depression
and a loss of empathy, did I forget to mention
feeling more and more apprehensive
I feel the tension
should I raise the stakes?
take a train outta state
just to find myself again
lord what will it take,
to finally make amends.
I've never been a fake
it's safe to say I can't pretend.
I miss you Jordan
not a day goes by when your not on my mind
I feel you smiling down on me from the bright sky
or maybe that's you shining on the moon in the night time
I got a lot more do to do in this life besides write rhymes
I'm trying to create a legacy for a lifetime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head.
I ask God if I make it hoping he'll reply, as I bow my head
I ask God will I live a full lifetime, as I bow my head.
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
please father, lord forgive me
I'm sick, a mental psychotic kid constantly binging.
this wasn't how it was or was supposed to be in the beginning.
I was destined for proficiency and lifelong winning
with opened eyes and closed ears will I get revenge?
when I get to heavens gates, will you let me in?
is all this earthly sin really worth it on the end?
when I was young I guess I never felt a perfect innocence
smoking weed, skipping class
teachers would reccomend
that my mom would woop my ass
me, and all my friends
became a violent tweaker
living a life through a beaker
sinking deeper and deeper
not a follower or a leader
just an outcast and a benchwarmer of life
sitting on the sidelines watching everyone rise
addicted to chaos, pussy and ice
I guess you can say I've always been looking through a crystal ball
will I begin my uprise or indefinitely will I fall?

- Ethan Merritt Range

Kill

always been creative, a symbol that never dies

my eyes have indicated the enemies on the rise

my adversary's me, I flee, a self conflicted casualty

I breathe, another tragedy

emptied out a clip I'm never slackin never slippin 

I hear a bunch of voices thatve been chattin from a distance

am I crazy? 

am I crazy?

AM I FUCKING CRAZY?!?!

evil spirits in my head tell me 'kill, kill'

I see the darkness that's ahead, will I be killed, killed?

put the pistol to you bitches heads, kill, kill

I have no soul in me left, it was killed, killed.

the devil sent me on a quest watch me I will, kill.

I turn the faucet, I see blood coming out in streams

I think I've lost it, I'm lost staring out my balcony

wheres the drugs? 

where's the liquor?

where's the thugs?

where's the bitches?

I know people that would suck a million dicks for the riches 

infested with the greed, combining ecstasy and weed

immortal soul, I would never wish that that was me

I don't wanna live forever, poison is my recipe

this society is packed with dirty villans and entities. 

every day I wake up and yawn, dick bulging

pills and liquor I start indulging. 

until every single vein inside of me starts pulsing.

diagnosed as epileptic I never know when I'll start convulsing. 

and if I'm killed, killed,

I want the world to know because of my betrayals I have no will, will

why would I leave y'all with a damn thing?

you 2 faced fraudulent bitches you make me ill, ill. 

evil spirits in my head tell me 'kill, kill'

I see the darkness that's ahead, will I be killed, killed?

put the pistol to you bitches head, kill, kill

I have no soul in me left, it was killed, killed.

the devil sent me on a quest, and i will, kill.

I feel the pressure, 

I got drugs loaded in the dresser 

got racks on the shelf

am I finally like everybody else?

I'm no longer alone?

just another dog with a bone

I'm like a dog in his zone

sniffin every single substance out from under my nose

everybody in my life has betrayed me

I'm scared to trust another soul I'm going crazy

I'm lazy,

depressed, stressed, don't wanna get out my bed.

I'm left, confessed, pressed, I feel like a mess.

every single day I wanna close my eyes

and lay in bed all day and still fall asleep all night

I've always been a man with a curse of the brain

a thought process of a criminal meant to be confined in chains

because when I'm a free bird I smash into the windshield of a car

shoot myself in the foot, popping lortabs and bars

intravenously using, will I end up killed, killed

lord these drugs got my body on chill, chill

I need a substance

I'm feeling psychotic I'm holding grudges 

got my finger on the trigger while I'm standing out in public

cussin,  at the lord for leaving me here when I'm ready

I'm ready, to keep going got my index finger sweaty

and I'm always feeling edgy, I feel like God left me

I feel like God left me....

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as each day goes by, it's just another chapter in my journey of a man with an addictive personality. a cursed soul, a lost path. my life is a story I try to tell through writing and blogging and music or poetry.. I will not stop pursuing my dreams because my words are the only hope I have for myself and my future. my words are my dreams and my hopes. for everybody that reads these blogs thank you for the support and love as I keep on living my life day by day. it's a roller coaster of a ride and all the support I can get truly helps and inspires me. thank you.

- Ethan Merritt Range

Devilish Age

                     ^ February 15th 2014

DEVILISH AGE ~

if I could go back and change the course of my path
I would still look to the sky and accept my wrath
I've learned so much from this life of hardship
ive grown wise from being homeless, broke down and heartless
I've grown to live with nothing, and be grateful for something
I've grown to live with something and come back up from nothing.
my hands steadily shake as my anxiety quakes, what will it take?
praying hard that 2015 won't be the end of my days. will I break?
will I suffice under pressure, as my mentality shakes, oh great.
under the surface I feel like a trapped coyote in a cage, I rage.
enraged by the fact that me, heroin and meth are primarily engaged
it always stays the same
I get nauseous when I think about the future ahead
will I make it to 21? or will I pass away instead?
and by pass away, I mean go back to my castle and cave
go back to the shackles and tackles of waves
go back to the hunger as the tracks are engraved
in my skin, wearing long sleeves every day
I pretend, I pretend that I know how to maintain
I'm a lost soul that can't connect with my psychotic brain waves
and when it comes to the wild lifestyle I fucking aim straight
I aim straight for the thugs, criminals and fakes
people who act like my friend but only show motives to take
I'm turning 20 this month, can I handle 20 years more?
I can't live like I have or I can't live anymore
I won't make it in this world and I will fail the tests of life
in a daily battle filled with contradictions and strife
all I want is a couple kids and a trustworthy wife
I feel unworthy of the lord and his trustworthy might
the rehab shuffle has already gotten monotonous and old.
instead of adding motivation its making me miserable and cold
miserable and cold, not self righteous and bold
the confidence of Ethan Merritt Range is untold.
as I unfold, I emerge, a savage and beast
blaming victim for every fucking thing that's happened to me
I write my past present and future passionately.
as soon as my addiction takes hold then I'm back in the streets
packin the heat constantly trapped in this leash
the devils naggin at me, he's dressed in black and a freak
can't handle all the questions that he's askin of me
I picked up the rig not knowing I attracted a leech
I attracted a leech, that's like a bloody rash and it seeps
one that will never let go, no love or xo's
a demon that promised me everything and as the promises grow,
I took that bag of powder and took another one right up my nose
a thousands never enough, that's what the devil has shown
I'm in a devilish age, im in a devilish zone
I can't pick up the phone, I already got voices that won't leave me alone
it's like I'm a dog thats been constantly thrown a bone
I take a few different substances right to the dome
I can't help but go fetch it.
it's either quit or accept it
under pressure by God... is he still apologetic?
it seems like such a good idea but in the end i always regret it
my brain tells me ease up, my body wants anesthetics
my heart just wants love, am I able to get it?
actually, am I able to keep it?
because I don't love myself. in fact, I've never loved Ethan
all my life I've been told that I'm good hearted and decent
people that love me have given me reason after reason
in the tail of two people I've been unable to complete it
unable to reach it
and as the chances decreases
im left unable to complete the tasks at hand,
I'm just a basket case in a devilish age in a plastic land..

-Ethan Merritt Range
08/02/2015

                   
                    ^ August 2nd 2015