Heart

I'm done with the thug life. I'm not the gangsta that I used to think I was.. my dream is to be in the entertainment industry and either record and make music and act in whatever I can act in, whether it's comedy or suspense, whatever it is that's my dream.. fuck drugs. I almost died last week, for all of you that are out there right now running the streets just imagine me with a heart infection from shooting heroin and ending up in the hospital (by the grace of God!) with 12 hours left before I would have died. THAT LIFE IS LIKE A GAME OF CHESS, AND I'VE BEEN DEFEATED BY MY OWN DEMONS AND TERRIBLE DESICIONS FOR WAY TOO LONG NOW. ITS EITHER LIFE OR DEATH Y'ALL. I'm going to work my way into the entertainment industry, my true passion since I was 6 years old and I'm letting the 'thug life' go. I want a normal existence that consists of TRUE LIVING, not abstinence but real recovery. after nearly dying from heroin and crack my perspective has changed majorly, I'm scared. the possibility of me using again and dying the same night if I do choose to do Heroin or Meth or any substance (especially a substance that I can load up in a syringe) is about a 90% chance. it's either life or death now, and I choose life, I am NOT playing this game anymore. so for anybody that is trying to bring me down and they know I am a garbage can JUNKIE when I'm using just don't even approach me. I don't need friends, especially ones that are only looking out for there own destructive interests. I'm not a 'thug' anymore. I'm a genuinely nice dude, with a serious drug addiction that is now in recovery and wants nothing to do with the old life I used to live. I just want to continue waking up every morning, and being grateful I didn't die last week, and do everything I can to end up producing and recording incredible music and talented acting. and to all those who can't accept my new way of life, BYE. my recovery is more important than anything, without that I have nothing but a heart full of misery...

-ERange  09/02/2015

In The End Of Everything

hollow heart-breaks.

shallow demise?

is that a cold heart inside those eyes?

cold hearted and lonely, that's my fate.

it's only gonna take one more teardrop until I break.

until I shake, the walls of my life are fake.

until I quake, how much more can I take?

I'm the modern Edgar Allen Poe, that came from out of his grave 

dark and turmoilly twisted inside

every single day it seems harder to grow, the bitterness is harder to taste 

every single day is another reason to hide

who am I to justify? all the evil in our eyes

I myself feel the high, of all that I despise

living a life, that's my downfall and demise

feeling stress levels frequently and progressively rise

do I need somebody to make me feel whole?

can I do this on my own?

I don't know how to stand on my own 2 feet

I don't know how to handle anything.
I don't know how to be alone.
.... I don't know how to be alone....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
every night I fall asleep
I close my eyes and as I dream, I fall, I fall.
there's nobody to catch me now
and I realize as I hit the ground, it's my fault, it's my fault
I could be surrounded by the world but still I feel like everything's my fault, my fault
and in the end of everything, I'm still alone in my world, in my world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whether your a lover or one of my friends
I have feelings that are undercover and I have to pretend
I have to pretend that I feel happy and then
I bend, and break, and fill the syringe
I'm going on a binge, so thin, marks all over my skin
lets see how long this youth can ride, premeditated suicide
this false self medicated existence only means use and die
go out and reep what you sew, whatever you can find
all my vices consist of chemicals and women that I can use to hide
up and down, I spin around and twist and move the pipe
I rob and steal, don't wanna feel, don't wanna utilize
don't wanna be productive, just sit in my room and cry
use shrooms and fry, I'm like a popped ballon that flyed.
drugs or alcohol? sex? anything? you decide?
I spent so much time living in this lie but now the truth defines
my selfishness is on the rise, pain is bonafide.
it's live or die and I don't wanna represent each side.

As I Bow My Head

as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head
I ask God if I'll make it hoping he'll reply, as I bow my head
I ask God will I live a full lifetime, as I bow my head
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
people say they we're born for a purpose
lord knows I ain't perfect
I start sweating, I get nervous
when the temptation emerges
sometimes I feel trapped in a cycle of hell
and as the wounds heal I wonder if I can prevail
the scars that have been left I know the Vicodin helps
but I spend every waking moment fightin myself
with the pain that I have conquered and still face today
I still got shackles on my ankles and that belt around my waist
is this my destiny? or am I meant to be replaced?
if that's the case just take me now, there's no more time to waste.
roaming through the streets of Denton
fighting paranoia and depression
and a loss of empathy, did I forget to mention
feeling more and more apprehensive
I feel the tension
should I raise the stakes?
take a train outta state
just to find myself again
lord what will it take,
to finally make amends.
I've never been a fake
it's safe to say I can't pretend.
I miss you Jordan
not a day goes by when your not on my mind
I feel you smiling down on me from the bright sky
or maybe that's you shining on the moon in the night time
I got a lot more do to do in this life besides write rhymes
I'm trying to create a legacy for a lifetime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head.
I ask God if I make it hoping he'll reply, as I bow my head
I ask God will I live a full lifetime, as I bow my head.
as I bow my head, for the first time in a long time, as I bow my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
please father, lord forgive me
I'm sick, a mental psychotic kid constantly binging.
this wasn't how it was or was supposed to be in the beginning.
I was destined for proficiency and lifelong winning
with opened eyes and closed ears will I get revenge?
when I get to heavens gates, will you let me in?
is all this earthly sin really worth it on the end?
when I was young I guess I never felt a perfect innocence
smoking weed, skipping class
teachers would reccomend
that my mom would woop my ass
me, and all my friends
became a violent tweaker
living a life through a beaker
sinking deeper and deeper
not a follower or a leader
just an outcast and a benchwarmer of life
sitting on the sidelines watching everyone rise
addicted to chaos, pussy and ice
I guess you can say I've always been looking through a crystal ball
will I begin my uprise or indefinitely will I fall?

- Ethan Merritt Range

Kill

always been creative, a symbol that never dies

my eyes have indicated the enemies on the rise

my adversary's me, I flee, a self conflicted casualty

I breathe, another tragedy

emptied out a clip I'm never slackin never slippin 

I hear a bunch of voices thatve been chattin from a distance

am I crazy? 

am I crazy?

AM I FUCKING CRAZY?!?!

evil spirits in my head tell me 'kill, kill'

I see the darkness that's ahead, will I be killed, killed?

put the pistol to you bitches heads, kill, kill

I have no soul in me left, it was killed, killed.

the devil sent me on a quest watch me I will, kill.

I turn the faucet, I see blood coming out in streams

I think I've lost it, I'm lost staring out my balcony

wheres the drugs? 

where's the liquor?

where's the thugs?

where's the bitches?

I know people that would suck a million dicks for the riches 

infested with the greed, combining ecstasy and weed

immortal soul, I would never wish that that was me

I don't wanna live forever, poison is my recipe

this society is packed with dirty villans and entities. 

every day I wake up and yawn, dick bulging

pills and liquor I start indulging. 

until every single vein inside of me starts pulsing.

diagnosed as epileptic I never know when I'll start convulsing. 

and if I'm killed, killed,

I want the world to know because of my betrayals I have no will, will

why would I leave y'all with a damn thing?

you 2 faced fraudulent bitches you make me ill, ill. 

evil spirits in my head tell me 'kill, kill'

I see the darkness that's ahead, will I be killed, killed?

put the pistol to you bitches head, kill, kill

I have no soul in me left, it was killed, killed.

the devil sent me on a quest, and i will, kill.

I feel the pressure, 

I got drugs loaded in the dresser 

got racks on the shelf

am I finally like everybody else?

I'm no longer alone?

just another dog with a bone

I'm like a dog in his zone

sniffin every single substance out from under my nose

everybody in my life has betrayed me

I'm scared to trust another soul I'm going crazy

I'm lazy,

depressed, stressed, don't wanna get out my bed.

I'm left, confessed, pressed, I feel like a mess.

every single day I wanna close my eyes

and lay in bed all day and still fall asleep all night

I've always been a man with a curse of the brain

a thought process of a criminal meant to be confined in chains

because when I'm a free bird I smash into the windshield of a car

shoot myself in the foot, popping lortabs and bars

intravenously using, will I end up killed, killed

lord these drugs got my body on chill, chill

I need a substance

I'm feeling psychotic I'm holding grudges 

got my finger on the trigger while I'm standing out in public

cussin,  at the lord for leaving me here when I'm ready

I'm ready, to keep going got my index finger sweaty

and I'm always feeling edgy, I feel like God left me

I feel like God left me....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as each day goes by, it's just another chapter in my journey of a man with an addictive personality. a cursed soul, a lost path. my life is a story I try to tell through writing and blogging and music or poetry.. I will not stop pursuing my dreams because my words are the only hope I have for myself and my future. my words are my dreams and my hopes. for everybody that reads these blogs thank you for the support and love as I keep on living my life day by day. it's a roller coaster of a ride and all the support I can get truly helps and inspires me. thank you.

- Ethan Merritt Range

Devilish Age

                     ^ February 15th 2014

DEVILISH AGE ~

if I could go back and change the course of my path
I would still look to the sky and accept my wrath
I've learned so much from this life of hardship
ive grown wise from being homeless, broke down and heartless
I've grown to live with nothing, and be grateful for something
I've grown to live with something and come back up from nothing.
my hands steadily shake as my anxiety quakes, what will it take?
praying hard that 2015 won't be the end of my days. will I break?
will I suffice under pressure, as my mentality shakes, oh great.
under the surface I feel like a trapped coyote in a cage, I rage.
enraged by the fact that me, heroin and meth are primarily engaged
it always stays the same
I get nauseous when I think about the future ahead
will I make it to 21? or will I pass away instead?
and by pass away, I mean go back to my castle and cave
go back to the shackles and tackles of waves
go back to the hunger as the tracks are engraved
in my skin, wearing long sleeves every day
I pretend, I pretend that I know how to maintain
I'm a lost soul that can't connect with my psychotic brain waves
and when it comes to the wild lifestyle I fucking aim straight
I aim straight for the thugs, criminals and fakes
people who act like my friend but only show motives to take
I'm turning 20 this month, can I handle 20 years more?
I can't live like I have or I can't live anymore
I won't make it in this world and I will fail the tests of life
in a daily battle filled with contradictions and strife
all I want is a couple kids and a trustworthy wife
I feel unworthy of the lord and his trustworthy might
the rehab shuffle has already gotten monotonous and old.
instead of adding motivation its making me miserable and cold
miserable and cold, not self righteous and bold
the confidence of Ethan Merritt Range is untold.
as I unfold, I emerge, a savage and beast
blaming victim for every fucking thing that's happened to me
I write my past present and future passionately.
as soon as my addiction takes hold then I'm back in the streets
packin the heat constantly trapped in this leash
the devils naggin at me, he's dressed in black and a freak
can't handle all the questions that he's askin of me
I picked up the rig not knowing I attracted a leech
I attracted a leech, that's like a bloody rash and it seeps
one that will never let go, no love or xo's
a demon that promised me everything and as the promises grow,
I took that bag of powder and took another one right up my nose
a thousands never enough, that's what the devil has shown
I'm in a devilish age, im in a devilish zone
I can't pick up the phone, I already got voices that won't leave me alone
it's like I'm a dog thats been constantly thrown a bone
I take a few different substances right to the dome
I can't help but go fetch it.
it's either quit or accept it
under pressure by God... is he still apologetic?
it seems like such a good idea but in the end i always regret it
my brain tells me ease up, my body wants anesthetics
my heart just wants love, am I able to get it?
actually, am I able to keep it?
because I don't love myself. in fact, I've never loved Ethan
all my life I've been told that I'm good hearted and decent
people that love me have given me reason after reason
in the tail of two people I've been unable to complete it
unable to reach it
and as the chances decreases
im left unable to complete the tasks at hand,
I'm just a basket case in a devilish age in a plastic land..

-Ethan Merritt Range
08/02/2015

                   
                    ^ August 2nd 2015

Friendship

in recovery you make a lot of friends and lose a lot of friends. since I came to florida I've witnessed so many people that I got close with either relapse, nearly die, or wander off somewhere to go use drugs. you can never expect to have a long lasting friendship in this life of recovery. some may die, most will either most will either move on to somewhere else, or go back to the lifestyle that could end up resulting in their death.

its sad to watch a fellow addict that you become close with go back to using hard core, it makes you angry, and scared for them. anxious that they won't make it back alive from their run. when your clean and your friend relapses and leaves the program of narcotics anonymous its hard ton understand. its hard to understand why you would want to lose everything you have when your clean to go back to beimg high and having nothing. its hard to understand when your clean why someone would chose to go back to that life... until your the one who relapsed.. and everyone is worried about you.. then its easy to understand. by any means, once you pick up that first drug that first time I will keep using by any means necessary. by any means necessary.

I've lost many friends to this disease of addiction. if I count up every one of my friends who have died from overdosing or some drug related cause it would probably be about 12 people that have passed away. death triggers every demon inside of me and brings out a side of me that's sad, dark and reckless. the irony of the fact that when I lost a friend of mine named Anthony who was from Boston but I'm treatment with me in florida due to a combination of Heroin and Cocaine.. it put me in a dark place.. a month before he died I sold him a bottle if dilaudid pills right before he went home and I felt a guilt inside of me after he died.. like I enabled his death by selling my friend those drugs.. so what do I do? I leave treatment and I go out for a night and shoot heroin and cocaine.. the same thing that killed anthony.. this is the insanity of this disease.. 

I guess when I lose a friend to an overdose some part of me feels like I should be dead too. like why did God decide they needed to die from this? I'm about as reckless if an addict as you can possibly get. I throw away great opportunities for heroin and meth because in the end those two chemicals are my main desires. I'm ungrateful and selfish.. I do whatever I want whenever I want and I blow off anybody who has ever supported me and go do exactly bag at Ethan Range wants to do. because in the end that's all that matters. why do my friends have to die? why am I still here? I've overdosed several times. and after I get out of the hospital the first destination i run too is my drug dealer. when I'm using I don't give a fuck about ANYTHING. why do I deserve to live and these beautiful people deserve to die? it's not fair.. 

it's not fair that I take advantage of my life and the good things that come my way. its not fair that im still breathing. life is glorious when you take advantage of the good things in it. I shouldn't throw the good things in my life away like a piece of trash..its not right.

friends come and go. I've been lucky to have a few long term friends in recovery that have been by my side for a year now and I'm thankful for them every day. I would do anything for the few friends that I have that haven't left my side since I entered recovery. every time I relapsed they were always there for me. true friends are hard to find. but even when I take my life for granted I am forever grateful for the few friends I have that are long term and alive still fighting this battle with me.

Lauren Ehret

Samantha Santos

Anthony Demarco

I love y'all forever and I'm so grateful for all 3 of you and how you have stuck by my side no matter what.

when you have a select few true friends in life keep them close because you never know how much time you have left with them. I cherish every moment with them and thank god that he blessed me with them in my life. Lauren is the greatest girlfriend I could ever ask for. and Sam and Anthony are the best friends I could have ever asked for. I've lost many friends due to this addiction but I'm so blessed with the people that I have in my life.

Castle Of Thorns

my mother has always told me that I was the easiest baby to handle that she has ever seen. my mother said I rarely cried, I barely ever threw a fit. I slept most of the day and I was the cutest thing from what people have told me. everyone expected great things from me. my grandmother said that the first time she held me in her arms that she looked in my big bright blue eyes and she saw wisdom in them. she said I had the "eyes of an old soul' I was adored by everyone that came across me. and I was always smiling and genuinely happy baby that was very easy to manage.

I think back on how it must have felt for my mother to go through the struggle of my addiction. I think about how hard it was for her to see me strung out on several drugs with her memories of me as this perfect angel of a baby that would fall asleep on her chest for hours. I think about how this happened. why I was cursed with this disease of the brain. a disease of the soul.

addiction doesn't have any standards. it will take hold of anyone any race any gender. it will destroy lives and destroy the lives of addicts family's as well. my mom has seen me at my best and my absolute worst. she knows me better than anyone else in this world, and she knows when I'm doing good or falling off just by the sound of my voice. 

I live in a world far far away from everyone else's. my own mind is burdened by the demons that threaten my safety and self worth every day. the ghosts of my past. I chose the lifestyle that I entered. my father is a college professor teaching English and my mother is a high school English teacher as well. I never went hungry as a child, and Christmas was full of an abundance of presents under the Christmas tree every year. I chose to enter the high life. I chose to enter a dangerous world full of drugs weapons and crime. I've become what I've become because I've been a rebel since I was a child and instead of taking the route that my parents took I wanted to be a rebel. I wanted the "thug life" that's exactly why you got to be careful what you wish for... because you just might get it..

I was never meant to be running the streets. I was never meant to be a criminal. I was never meant to be a junkie. but I chose that life. I chose to fill my body with substances that turn me into a monster. 

so here comes the question.. why? why did this happen? why did this happen to me? I was a "beautiful child" with a bright future ahead of me. well... I don't have the answer to that. I was born this way, I was born in a world tbat diagnosed me with an addictive personality and a rebellious criminal mind state. I was born manipulative and selfish when I want what I want. my vices are horrifying and in control of me on a daily basis, and unfortunately for the rest of my life I will have to battle this disease of the soul I was born with.

I'm a soldier in the battlefield of my soul. I'm a warrior in the trenches of my heart and mind. I'm a fighter fighting demons trying to bring me into the depths of hell on earth on a constant daily basis. I'm in a world that consumes me daily and takes 24/7 effort on my part. I live in my own world. when I picture my world I see myself in a big giant castle of granite stone with several hallways and trap doors, there's a basement and an attic where I can escape the ghosts of my pasts lurking around the hallways and rooms of my castle. but in my castle it is completely covered in thorns. so every day I have to watch my step very very closely.. because I can slip up and get stuck by any one of those thorns in my castle and end up trapped in the basement with the ghosts of my pasts for who knows how long... if I don't watch my step 24/7 I WILL END UP TRAPPED IN THAT BASEMENT, in my world.... my castle covered in thorns...