my mother has always told me that I was the easiest baby to handle that she has ever seen. my mother said I rarely cried, I barely ever threw a fit. I slept most of the day and I was the cutest thing from what people have told me. everyone expected great things from me. my grandmother said that the first time she held me in her arms that she looked in my big bright blue eyes and she saw wisdom in them. she said I had the "eyes of an old soul' I was adored by everyone that came across me. and I was always smiling and genuinely happy baby that was very easy to manage.
I think back on how it must have felt for my mother to go through the struggle of my addiction. I think about how hard it was for her to see me strung out on several drugs with her memories of me as this perfect angel of a baby that would fall asleep on her chest for hours. I think about how this happened. why I was cursed with this disease of the brain. a disease of the soul.
addiction doesn't have any standards. it will take hold of anyone any race any gender. it will destroy lives and destroy the lives of addicts family's as well. my mom has seen me at my best and my absolute worst. she knows me better than anyone else in this world, and she knows when I'm doing good or falling off just by the sound of my voice.
I live in a world far far away from everyone else's. my own mind is burdened by the demons that threaten my safety and self worth every day. the ghosts of my past. I chose the lifestyle that I entered. my father is a college professor teaching English and my mother is a high school English teacher as well. I never went hungry as a child, and Christmas was full of an abundance of presents under the Christmas tree every year. I chose to enter the high life. I chose to enter a dangerous world full of drugs weapons and crime. I've become what I've become because I've been a rebel since I was a child and instead of taking the route that my parents took I wanted to be a rebel. I wanted the "thug life" that's exactly why you got to be careful what you wish for... because you just might get it..
I was never meant to be running the streets. I was never meant to be a criminal. I was never meant to be a junkie. but I chose that life. I chose to fill my body with substances that turn me into a monster.
so here comes the question.. why? why did this happen? why did this happen to me? I was a "beautiful child" with a bright future ahead of me. well... I don't have the answer to that. I was born this way, I was born in a world tbat diagnosed me with an addictive personality and a rebellious criminal mind state. I was born manipulative and selfish when I want what I want. my vices are horrifying and in control of me on a daily basis, and unfortunately for the rest of my life I will have to battle this disease of the soul I was born with.
I'm a soldier in the battlefield of my soul. I'm a warrior in the trenches of my heart and mind. I'm a fighter fighting demons trying to bring me into the depths of hell on earth on a constant daily basis. I'm in a world that consumes me daily and takes 24/7 effort on my part. I live in my own world. when I picture my world I see myself in a big giant castle of granite stone with several hallways and trap doors, there's a basement and an attic where I can escape the ghosts of my pasts lurking around the hallways and rooms of my castle. but in my castle it is completely covered in thorns. so every day I have to watch my step very very closely.. because I can slip up and get stuck by any one of those thorns in my castle and end up trapped in the basement with the ghosts of my pasts for who knows how long... if I don't watch my step 24/7 I WILL END UP TRAPPED IN THAT BASEMENT, in my world.... my castle covered in thorns...
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