when my life is clouded by every substance I can possibly stuff into my system, my morals and values go out the window. I'm a mean, brutal human being. I will take everything you have, destroy everything good you have going for you, and use everything you have to induce whatever I want. when I'm using drugs I couldn't possibly care less about anybody but myself. my only objective and passion in life is to fill a syringe with meth, heroin, or crack, and put it in my bloodstream so that I don't have to think, or care about all the bad things I've done in life. when I'm high I don't have to be the genuinely kind hearted, caring soul that I naturally am as a person. I can be a heartless, selfish, greedy bastard that makes being a chronic junkie a lot easier to handle. if I tell myself I'm a scumbag all day then its not as much of a nail biter for me to go rob my friends and steal from my family to get whatever drugs I need to get me through the day without going into the vicious cycle of fullblown withdrawal. sometimes, I sit back and think that I may have spent 75% of my life TRYING to be a bad person, knowing that deep down I just can't. I cannot be heartless. no matter how hard I try, I care too much, and that adds on pressure and emotions that I do not want to deal with in life. I don't want to care, and that's been the life long goal this whole time hasn't it...?
right now I'm sitting in the treatment center that I'm currently a client in, watching this corny educational video about the dangerous concerns of smoking tobacco, writing this blog while ironically waiting for my next cigarette break. as I exhale the smoke from my mouth I watch it slowly drift up into the sky and slowly dissipate into the air. watching it is actually relaxing to be quite honest. its kind of like my life, *up in smoke* once a large cloud, it slowly fades into the crisp air and evaporates never to be seen anymore, that is until I take my next drag. when I'm clean I'm that big bold cloud of smoke, full of personality, charm and charisma. my character is evident, my spirit is vibrant and hard to contain. but as the days go by, and the demons inside of me become more and more anxious to come out and play, my personality and all the good qualities that come with it slowly fade away. my values and morals become distant, the spark of spirit you can clearly see in my bright blue eyes washes away somewhere. and if I pick up the needle and fall back down into the black hole of active IV drug addiction I become a shell of what Ethan Range is. I'm a faded version of myself. I'm a light dimmed. im the sun being covered by a dark cloud full of precipitation ready to explode over everything and everyone. its a sad cycle that I live, and my insight never goes away throughout the whole process, I see everything happening the way I just described but the thing is I just don't care. I let it happen. I just don't give a fuck.
my whole life I've been told I'm somebody with so much wisdom beyond my years and "so much potential." I've been told that I have a big purpose in this world, I scored very high on my IQ test when I last took it and getting good grades when I'm clean takes absolutely no effort. when I was a child I was so energetic and full of ecstasy. I started reading at the age of 3 and started school a year early. I used to put on costumes and dress up like characters from movies and put on performances for my mom and dad because I had always wanted to be an actor when I was little. I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be on TV or on stage. I wanted the world in the palm of my hands and everyone expected me to end up having it
i never saw what was so special about me, I never put the pieces of the puzzle together when it came to my gifts and my talents. I don't see what other people see, I don't value myself the way other people value me. I've been told I'm good looking my whole life, and I've yet to see that quality in myself either. I can't tell you why I'm blind to myself. I can't tell you why I shutter off compliments like they're insults. its a curse, a self fulfilling misery in my case. when I was younger I would tell my Dad that i was gonna grow up to be famous and move to California to be a movie star. I would point to the chimney sweepers on Mary Poppins and act out the whole scene where they're dancing on the rooftop in front of the TV. I've always felt the need to entertain others. I've always felt the need to put a smile on other peoples faces because I could never put a smile on my own. I genuinely have an altruistic nature. when I'm not living on the wild side I usually live a life of integrity and I'm.the biggest hearted person you would ever meet. its insane how fast me, Ethan Range as a person, the character that I am can fade away I'm an instant and I can transform into everything I hate.
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