As I Look Into The Mirror Of Myself

as I look into the mirror of myself I see an image distorted by my past and present. as I look into the mirror of myself I don't see a smile, I don't see a frown, and there's a twinkle in my eye that only makes its appearence when I have somewhat of a clear mind state and a level head. there could be that twinkle in my eye for a couple different reasons.. one reason is definitely because of my girlfriend, her names Lauren and we have been together for 8 months now, she makes me feel like the luckiest man on the planet (which I'm pretty sure is how every man feels when they have come into contact with their soulmate) she is my better half, my ride or die lover. shes my best friend and the reason I get out of bed every morning with any initiative to work towards a better life for myself and her every day. she's everything that I love. she's all that I love. because when I look into the mirror of myself I don't see a man I love. I don't love me. I never have. so everything I do, I do for lauren, I love lauren to the core of my soul because if it weren't for her I would have no reason to try anything to better myself. I would be back at the bus stop withdrawing from heroin at 630 in the morning trying to go meet my dealer and get my shot. thats all I know and drugs are all I've ever wanted, but lauren changed all that. she is the glimmer of hope I have to maintain a functional life because drugs aside I love lauren, and I want her. I want her enough to put the drugs and the lifestyle down so I can be with her and we can have a roof over our heads. and that's what's been motivating me. that's why im still here.

my whole life I've been looking in the mirror and I've never loved what I saw or who I was. I always thought and still think that I'm ugly, or fat. and I have this distorted view on myself that I'm a horrible scumbag of a person because of the things that I've done or have witnessed in my life. accepting Laurens unconditional love for me was hard. it was hard to believe that anyone would want to put up with my bullshit on a daily basis. I told myself that I didn't deserve her because I am a bad person, and the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt lauren, and I knew that by getting into a long term relationship with me I would end up hurting her over and over again even though it would be my last of intentions. but she has been willing to go through whatever it takes to be with me on a daily basis since January and I have been the happiest I have honestly ever been in my life. my journey now is finding out how to love myself and its the hardest thing to succumb to. right now all I know is that I love Lauren. thats all I know. but I can't just love lauren and stay clean. I will never be able to stop trying to fill the whole inside of myself with poison until I find some sense of reason within myself to keep living. I can't just live for Lauren and stay clean, but right now all the love I have for lauren and the zero amount I have for myself is keeping a needle out of my arm for today. and all I can do is keep trying to love myself a little more every day, because I realize I deserve happiness and a better life and so does Lauren and my mother, the two people that keep me going every day. if I didn't deserve an amazing supporting mother who loves me unconditionally or a trustworthy loyal beautiful loving girlfriend like lauren then I wouldn't have them. I do deserve to smile.