Junkie

blogging was my passion. I'm an aspiring writer thats battling a major drug addiction that stunts my pursuit in this career. I haven't written anything since October of 2014. that was the last time I wrote poetry, a blog, the last period of time where I expressed myself through my words and when I am not regularly writing and getting out my inner demons I am a lost soul. now, in July of 2015 I made a new blog and although I am returning to writing, I am as lost as a human being can possibly find themselves. 

the past 8 months have been nothing less than an exhausting contradicting roller coaster ride that is my life. I'm exhausted, mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. I'm a 19 year old heroin and meth addict. a junkie. a junkie that when I'm fueled by my addiction to those drugs I will get my fix, fix any means necessary. I came down to florida to better my life. and I can honestly say I don't know if I've gotten better or worse down here. I've been in and out of different treatkemts all over south florida, barely making it a couple weeks clean without using some sort of substance to alter my mind. I know I want a better life that isn't involving the streets and trap houses and robbery's, schemes, dope finding and marks all over my arms from the needles that were inside of me without end. my use of needles has gotten progressively worse since I got deep into a heroin dependency. I've been back and forth from being strung out and a desperate pathetic wreck to entering a program of some sort and becoming a healthy drieven intelligent guy that I am whenever I'm not in my junkie mode. its safe to say I cant decide what I want for myself yet, or what I'm willing to give up. which includes everything and every thought that brings me back to the streets. 

right now I am on suboxone maintenance in a sober living program in west palm beach. the suboxone being a synthetic form of heroin is what I have become dependent on right now to keep a needle out of my arm. i can't seem to stay clean at all without some chemical in my body that brings me out of myself. I'm lost. I don't know what I want and I can't tell you my next move because I have been doing the opposite of what I want for months now. but I am alive, whether I'm lost and confused or not. and I won't give up, just for today I won't give up with the hope that a miracle will come.my way and end this cycle of despair I keep trapping myself in.. just for today.