Heroin Tears

I came down here to florida a year ago in June. I had been using meth and PCP every day for 6 months straight and it had brought me to my knees. I thought nothing could top the disgusting misery and self hatred that came from an addiction to crystal meth. it turned me into a monster that I grew to hate. it made me a selfish beast and a paranoid backstabber always scheming and plotting to get my next bag. I never stopped, I never slowed down for anyone, I was gonna get my meth by any means necessary. i was gonna get high. countless people tried to stop me, numerous people tried to offer there support and love to get me off of that devilish poison that had total control over me. everything that was trying to be done to save my life was a failed effort by my loved ones. I just wasn't gonna stop for anybody or anything.

after coming to florida to get clean things haven't gone exactly as planned. I've spent a lot of time here using drugs still. but it hasn't been the same type of runs that I usually go on. my mission used to be to tweak nonstop, stay up as long as I possibly could and always be up. I've lost that drive. I was addicted to crystal meth for 5 years
 and honestly, its kind of gotten old to me. the amount of effort it takes to sustain an addiction to uppers is tiresome. and I have physical effects on my body that kind of keep me from having the desire to use uppers anymore such as epilepsy and mental issues that have come from meth addiction.. the paranoia has never gone away.

I've substituted meth for something else.. heroin.. I used it about 7 months ago down here in florida and it was by far the best feeling in the entire world. I had done it before but was always on meth so I never felt its full effect. heroin was everything I had been looking for. as soon as it was in my bloodstream all my problems, all my fears, and all my sorrow washed away in am instant. NOTHING MATTERED. it was the most beautiful experience I think I've ever had. and ever since that day I've been battling this physical and mental obsession with heroin every single day. I can't stop thinking, and glorifying it in my mind. I can't forget that feeling, I will NEVER forget that feeling, which is why I have been in and out of treatment several times since that first day. its all I want, and all I can think of when my mind wanders. its all that is consumed in the devils playground that is my mind. my daily goal at this moment in time is to switch my thoughts from telling myself how much I love heroin and want it again, to how many consequences I have gotten from using it these past 7 months, because even though that feeling of pure care free bliss is what I felt, after the high is gone there are more problems and more pain added on to whatever was already there before I get high. its a catch 22 circumstance. a temporary fix and a permanent scar.

when I was little I never expected to be a meth addict. when I was a meth addict I never expected to be a heroin addict. that's just how this game goes. everything I never expected to do I end up doing and everything I thought I was done doing I end up doing again. its just a continuous cycle of drama and pain. that's why I crave the heroin now more than ever. with all the drama and bullshit that goes on in my life that I create for one second, for one moment the dope eliminates all the worries that comes with this roller coaster ride of a life I'm living in south florida. that's what's so hard to give up. that one moment of pure bliss. there's one problem about all of this, I have to give it up...